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Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself
Oh perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was
Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there...
Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...
Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead
Oh perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was
Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe I'd get there...
Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe I'd get there...
I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call them up for more
And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too
He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry
He grabs my wrist
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part
And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call me, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too
He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorryCurrent Mood:  frustrated Current Music: Maria Mena |
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holy fuckin' hell....it has been a long time since i posted. i'm gonna try to post sometime soon and let everyone know whats going on with me but right now i just don't feel like typing anything...oh by the way, i have lost 18 lbs..WOOT WOOT. but i bet i'll gain it back
oh well anywayz, look at this lassy
| sleazeybakeoven's LJ stalker is kalidescope! | | kalidescope is stalking you because they heard you are awesome in bed, and they want to find out. They are also stalking the rest of your friends list! |
Current Mood:  blah |
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Last night was fun, went to tiki bobs for erica's b-day..twas a blast. i'm glad we are spending more time together, i missed her. But now i miss lysandra :(
I also went to see becca afterwords, glad to see her..it had been over a week. then i went to alli-gators for a few minutes to met some people, cause i wasn't tired at all. i got home at around 4 and had to be at work at 10. i don't think i slept a full hour...(that sux) then jay called early (around 8, he had been out all night) to say he was right near my house. so chilled for a few then it was off to work. i'm draggin ass right now............
Alright, i'm really starting to get irritated at all these things that keep fuckin giving me Jayson signals (this is what i've decided to call it). It has just been one thing after the next for about 3 weeks straight!! if something is gonna happen i wish it just would, i don't like all this weird karma...it has been a fuckin year! can't the world just let it die already. last night when i was at Alli-Gators, Billy walked in. Billy is Jayson's parent's best friend. (did i say that right??). I love billy to death, he is so awesome and so is his wife donna. i haven't seen them in forever. Him and his wife used to be at jayson's house all the time. anywayz, he just bought a club beside alli-gators and said that i could come for free whenever i wanted and to please come see him. he also chose to tell me that he thought stephaine was a bitch and that jayson's parents hated her too. he told me that they missed me, it made me feel nice. BUT...i didn't need to hear any of that. i really want to be friends with jayson again, i miss him as my best friend. i don't know if i want to be back together with him but i do know that i want him back in my life in some way. i had finally come to realize this was not going to happen and i had accepted it....and then BAM, all these damn jayson signals keep getting thrown in my face over and over again. i'm hurting all over again and i just want it to stop.Current Mood: cranky |
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jacked from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kalidescope
1.Go into your LJ's archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your blog
do i need to look for him...again-what if i don't find him, or he doesn't want to be found.
um...this is not about him, but i find it kinda weird that it was wrote on his fucking birthday. why are all these reminders of him coming up over and over again lately....somethings gonna happen soon
ALSO.....IT IS ERICA'S BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Current Mood:  groggy |
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Last night was great! i had so much fun and everyone was there (except lassy *sniffles*) Erica, Cicely, Ben, Renee and Eric, Derek, Lenny<3....lots of peps. i got to hang out with erica for the first time in feels like forever. i just had such a kick ass time, i wish every monday at brews was like that....hopefully it will start being like that.
Anyways, i started calling Jayson on Friday and finally heard back from him yesterday afternoon, my stomach sank when i saw his name on my phone. it was so weird talking to him after all this time. he didn't even ask if i was okay, he just wanted to know if i was drunk...he seemed disappointed to hear that i hadn't been. we went and signed the papers today and his girlfriend made him take his own car and let her come with him. how insecure does that make her look?? why yes, stephanie, i wrecked my car and went through all of this just so that i could get jayson alone in a car with me for a 30 min road trip and steal him back . dumb bitch. but whatever....it is over with now, i guess forever this timeCurrent Mood:  hopeful |
| » the doctor gave me Lortabs : ) yeppie |
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yeah....so i'm a pussy, i still havn't gotten in touch with jayson about signing those papers. drove right past his house today twice while on my way to the doctor and couldn't even make myself look in that direction. i'm never gonna get my money : ( damn it, i just don't wanna go opening up wounds that i tried so hard to close. grrrrrrrrrr
Apr. 22nd, 2004 @ 06:20 pm
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| » stolen from cory_feldman |
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Well well well, can anyone say they are surprised by this????? hehehe
Apr. 22nd, 2004 @ 06:03 pm
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| » HAPPY 4/20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOTWOOT |
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Yeah, this sucks.....i'm only gonna get a little bit of money for my car b/c i was still paying on it but something is better than nothing. But there is a catch to getting my money, the part that sucks.......let me go back in time a little bit.......When i got my car i didn't have a co-signer b/c my parents were not willing to help me. The only person who could help me was Jayson (my ex-fiance). Jayson's credit was not so good so he couldn't co-sign but he could add his name to the title. By doing that they could combine our incomes so that i would make enough money to not have to have a co-signer to get the car. Back to now, me and Jayson have not talked in a year b/c his new girlfriend doesn't want him to have a relationship with me, understandable. In order for me to get the car paid off and get the left over money i have to sign something (not sure what, has something to do with the title of the car being given to StateFarm). It has to be signed by the people whos names are on the title.......so, i have to get in touch with Jayson, after a year of us not talking, to get him to come to Greer with me and sign a piece of paper! Damn it! All because the title of my car reads Jayson Kestner AND Elizabeth Prince and not Jayson Kestner OR Elizabeth Prince. This is gonna be really uncomfortable and i'm not looking forward to it at all. anywayz......wanna see my car???????
( Pictures of my totaled car : ( )
Apr. 20th, 2004 @ 10:04 pm
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| » Hahaha |
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hahaha, that is my talent
Apr. 19th, 2004 @ 07:22 pm
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| » friends?? |
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i guess it takes almost dieing to find out who your real friends are. that really sucks ass. people that i thought were just kinda close friends turned out to love me way more than i ever knew they did. and i knew how much lassy loved me but now i will never be able to doubt it, she was so good to me last night...i love her so much. renee is being really awesome, too. she is helpin me a lot and stayin with me as long as i need (thats what she said) cause my nerves are all fucked up and i dont want to be alone. jay was really good to me the night or day it happened, he stayed with me all day and made sure i had no pain or shakies at all. i appreciate everyones calls and comments, it really means a lot to know that people care...so thank you to everyone. BUT i guess i know now that a couple of people that i thought were really good friends even best, arn't as much as i thought they were. someone i thought loved me a lot only call me like one time and hardly asked if i was okay b/c they were to busy, and hasn't come to see me at all...even though the person was about 3 miles from my house the other night. it hurts really bad, because i love her a lot. but at least i know now that i'm not that important to them so i won't waste anymore time tryin to be. ugh, i don't know, i just really hurt by it all.
i have a lot more to say but i just looked at the time and i have to jet, i'll finish this later
p.s. becca i love you a lot and i'm really sorry about the other night, i really wanted to see ben so that i could thank him for the other night when i wrecked. i'm sorry and i love you
[EDIT 2:45 A.M.] someone can tell me they love me over and over and i will believe them but when it is the time that i need them to show me that they love me and really do care and they don't...then it is all just words without meaning. i'm just hurt and i can't stress how much. [EDIT]
Apr. 18th, 2004 @ 09:41 pm
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| » glad to be alive |
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I almost died last night, no one could explain how i wasn't dead, all they could say was "you should be dead, i don't know how you survived that". i don't know who was watching over me but someone one was. that last thing i heard was It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven on the radio and then CRASH. i ran into one of those HUGE orange construction signs (the ones they put in the median with flashing messages on them). i hit it so hard that it flew across two lanes of traffic. i only looked down for a second but thats all it took. the next thing i know Ben (him and Cicely were following me to my house) was pulling on my car door while i kicked it trying to get it open. the entire front end of my car is gone, it is so surreal. i can't believe that last night could have been my last chance to do and say all the things i want to. the people in the ambulance said i was one of the luckiest people they had met. today when i went to go look at my car the tow-truck guy said that i hit so hard that there were pieces of my car flown almost half a mile down the road. he is another one of the people that said i should have been killed, he was also surprise both my legs were not broken. these people see things like this everyday so i guess they know better than me how lucky i am. i want everyone to know how much i love them, oh god..what if i had never gotten to hold thomas again or kiss him or hear him call me lolo. i just can't believe it, i would relive all the bad luck i have had in my life and not change a thing because now i know that life was just waiting to let me use my one piece of good luck last night. i'm crying now so i should stop
if you know me please know how much i love you
Apr. 16th, 2004 @ 10:20 pm
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| » yep, i actually came to the fucking library to use a computer, i'm so gay |
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stolen from tfotr
"I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. No more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything."
Apr. 15th, 2004 @ 04:34 pm
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| » just a bunch of blahblah crap |
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so, i finally have a moment and a computer to post on, but i don't really know what to say. *thinks hard*......well, i hung out a lot this week with a lot of people and even saw kenneth tfotr for a few on sat. night, twas nice. hung out with an ass load of peps that i work with. i also hung out with a sweetie named Lenard, Becca for a short time last week, Jay's cracked out ass (but still so much fun) a couple of nights, Cory and Austin last night, Lysandra a lot : ) and my new good friend Cicely a lot as well. this past week was fun just chillin with everyone. But i only hung out with Erica G. (she just got a lj this week true_baby_girl ) for a little bit thurs night, and only because staci didn't want to hang out so she called me. and then we were just meeting some guy she likes so it wasn't even like we were hanging out. I'm not really all that shocked that i didn't really chill with her this week because it is becoming normal, but it is still kinda sucks. you used to never see one of us out without the other but i guess times change and some people just stop trying as hard as others. i'm trying to not care or worry about it and just let her do her thing and if we are as good of friends as i thought we were then eventually thing will go back to norm. i dunno, its all blahblahblah.
anywayz, nothing to interesting to say, nothing big has happened and if it has and i've forgotten then i'll post later about it.......oh, no biggie but my mom turned 41 on the 7th and my dad turned 42 on the 8th. happy birthday moms and pops!!! April has too many damn birthdays...Vedah and Erica have one coming up real soon, hope i can buy them somethin. Which reminds me...i am really hard up for money right now so if anyone knows of any part time jobs, let me know. Even if you know any good st corners i can hook at, please tell me...heheha
Apr. 13th, 2004 @ 06:11 pm
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| » stupid me |
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i realized a few days ago that a year has already gone by since i spoke to jayson. it has been really hard to lose him because i was stupid and never knew what i wanted. i don't really believe that it would work if we got back together or even that i want that, i mainly just want my friend back. he was my best friend and the only person that i could count on ABSOLUTELY NO MATTER WHAT was going on. i fucked that up, for some reason when i got older i stopped being able to trust happiness. i just set myself up for disaster, i just don't feel like i deserve to be happy. i subconsciously sabotage things that would make me happy or that are good for me. i just don't understand why, i'm just stupid.
i also realized that it has been almost a year since jay and i have be doing whatever it is we do. i can't actually label it, he isn't my boyfriend.....i guess he is just my buddy. we have been off and on, mostly on, we were off recently b/c i had a boyfriend. anywayz, i think i need to get myself away from him. he is no good for me, don't get me wrong..we have tons of fun together and i love hangin out with him and you know...but if it has already been a year and we have not progressed at all, then i should just stop letting stuff happen with us. i need to find the strength to just give up on him but it is so hard.
Apr. 6th, 2004 @ 10:07 pm
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| » survey |
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Apr. 2nd, 2004 @ 01:55 am
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| » horoscope |
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This seriously was my horoscope today...it is so true.
Things may be going a bit haywire in your romantic life today, Lizabeth. A relationship might have recently become quite clouded and you may not be sure how to remedy the situation. The first step is acknowledging to yourself and the other person, or people, involved that there is indeed an issue. If the problem keeps getting swept under the rug, the situation will soon manifest into something beyond your control. Your creative side is calling you to act.
Mar. 31st, 2004 @ 01:24 pm
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| » crying |
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i hate to cry, it gives me a headache. i havn't cried in a while, i can't remember the last time.......but today is not a good day and my eyes keep filling up.
Mar. 30th, 2004 @ 07:40 pm
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| » bad dream |
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i had a dream last night that i saw cory at someones house and i was so happy to see him and he just stood there. i told him i was tired and that i was gonna go to bed and asked him what room he was sleeping in. he then told me that i could not go to his room because his girlfriend was already asleep in there. that left me confused.....i told him i thought i was his girlfriend and then he said that he had broke up with me and had hoped that i would have been able to figure that out without him having to tell me. it was so realistic, i hate dreams like these. and what makes it worse is that i have not talked to him in a couple of days so i don't know if maybe my dream is true, this sux
Mar. 30th, 2004 @ 06:47 pm
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| » Loft Party ; ) |
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Last night Lysandra and i went to a kick ass loft party. It was so much fun because everything was freefreefree. I saw so many people i knew there. i don't think i stopped huggin people all night long because every time i turned around there was someone else i knew that was runnin up to me to give me a hug. i wish that every night could be like that party. it was so great to chill with so many fuckin people at once and to know them all and for all of them to be like "this girl is awesome". i have no self esteem at all and last night really made me feel good about myself because about a gajillon people gave me compliments. everyone kept tellin me that i was so pretty and a lot of people hit on me. it was so nice to feel that good about myself for one night. the night would have been better if my boyfriend had not stood me up because i thought that him and Austin were gonna come with me too, but i never talked to them. oh well....
anywayz, the night ended with me being very very fucked up...twas fun. and i made a drunken promise to lassy about somethin i'm gonna do.....so i guess i'm gonna have to do it in the next couple of days. i think it will be better for me in the long run, but i'm dreading having to do this....
peace out bitches
oh yeah by the way.....
All this drinking gon catch up
And all this smoking gon catch up
But some niggaz just really don’t give a fuck
But some niggaz just relly don’t give a fuck
And all this drinking gon catch up
And all this smoking gon catch up
But some bitches just really don’t give a fuck
But some bitches just really don’t give a fuck....
And say hi to plenty liquors and I know it’s a sin
And if ya tell me stop drinking I’ll just do it again
So when I get old i’mma rock, roll, shake, and shiver
With some blacked out lungs and a fucked up liver
Mar. 28th, 2004 @ 05:17 pm
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| » train tracks |
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i am standing on the tracks and the train is heading right for me, but i'm frozen..i can't move. i'm just staring into the light waiting for the train to hit me....why can't i move??
Mar. 27th, 2004 @ 02:10 pm
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| » ...there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed... |
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Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believed that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our backs the burdens time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Though I tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up.........
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Mar. 26th, 2004 @ 11:44 am
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| » damn it |
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i hate myself sometimes, damn it! why do i have to be so stupid and i why can't i stop myself...i see it coming and i'm just lettin it happen...damn it grrrr
Mar. 26th, 2004 @ 02:29 am
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| » i'm sleep deprived so this is just rambling |
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last night Lucus and i had a contest of who could deep throat the banana the furthest.....i won....it was an interesting night.........
yeah, last night was a lot of fun. waking up and going to work on 3 hrs of drunk sleep was not so fun. anywayz...i got to hang out with becca, she is the coolest chick ever, so that made my night. i hung out with her a little tues night too but not that much. oh yeah...tuesday night, can i just let everyone know how much i love drunk lysandra. she is so fuckin funny.
k, back to last night. there was some girl there who called pelham rd the "big city". she asked where Logans was and i told her it was on pelham rd then she replied with "oh, i'm from Blue Ridge, i don't go to the big city that much". after i picked my jaw up off the floor i laughed...A LOT. blahblahblah it was just a very fun night after a shitty night at work and i got to spend time with Cory and that made the night better too.
well that is all i guess, since i am just randomly rambling cause i can't put my thoughts together right now....peace out my hooka's
Mar. 25th, 2004 @ 03:09 pm
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| » whats yours??? |
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Mar. 24th, 2004 @ 02:10 am
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| » SEVEN |
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By the way, did i mention that it was the seventh flat tire in one year....not just another one, but the seventh one.....SEVEN....WTF....Christ Almighty, seven!! This puts me in a rage....but my favorite show is about to come on. And damn it they better come on tonight cause i'm pissy, the WB better not fuck up another one of my tuesday nights.
alright, i'm gonna stop bitching and go find my happy place.
Mar. 23rd, 2004 @ 07:54 pm
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| » love my luck |
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You will have a lot of fun in your next life because your life now just can't get any worse.
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Add a fortune to your website or
blog, click
here. |
my fortune is right, i have the worst luck ever!!!!!! i got another mother fuckin flat tire....but how does this happen to me you may ask. i don't fuckin know, grrrrr!
this weekend was fun, wish i could go into more detail than that but then i might get myself into trouble.
and blah blah blah that is all for now..................but lets see what my next cookie will say...
Don't bother fixing this tire because another one will go flat as soon as you do.
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Add a fortune to your website or
blog, click
here. |
hum.......shocking!
Mar. 23rd, 2004 @ 02:03 pm
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| » sick |
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blergh, i feel like poop! i think i got sick from heather. i woke up this morning feeling worse than i felt yesterday when i woke up....yesterday i was hung over and going on 2 hrs of sleep.....last night i got LOTS of sleep and did nothing. my head and throat are one hundred thousand million pounds of ouch. ugh, i have to go to work now :(
wish me luck.........
Mar. 19th, 2004 @ 09:33 am
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| » fuckit |
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DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! I hate repeats!!! and ONE TREE HILL is not even coming on tonight for some reason. the WB needs to stop messin with my tuesday nights before i kick their asses!!
Mar. 16th, 2004 @ 08:06 pm
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| » yeeeeeeepppppiiiieee |
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I LOVE TUESDAY NIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO ONE TREE HILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mar. 16th, 2004 @ 07:57 pm
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